


Divided, Sundered, Rifted

by Beetle Brownleaf (monsterlover)



Series: I Trust You [9]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Final Fantasy XIV: Shadowbringers Spoilers, Other, Patch 5.0: Shadowbringers Spoilers, Post-Patch 5.0: Shadowbringers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-20 20:37:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21062840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monsterlover/pseuds/Beetle%20Brownleaf





	Divided, Sundered, Rifted

When Beetle had explained to Urianger that she needed to go for a journey on her own, he did not ask why. He was familiar with that look of hers; the one that told him it was simply something she needed to do alone.

“Be safe, my beloved,” was all he said, before giving her a parting kiss.

“I shall, love,” she said, teleporting away.

She arrived in the lonely, palatial undersea city in an instant. Amaurot. She took in a deep breath as she walked towards the residential building. She still could not quite wrap her mind around the shades, the colossal shades, walking about and functioning as perfectly as normal people.

As she approached the front desk, the giant Amaurotine tilted its head in understanding.

“Ah, yes, hello, Beetle Brownleaf,” it spoke, in its oddly-comforting eldritch language, “Emet-Selch himself has instructed me to allow you into the apartment he sponsored for you whenever you so please. The private suite on the top floor, of course. Go on to the lift and it shall open for you.”

“I… thank you,” she replied, making her way to the lift.

It took her up swiftly, and as it opened she found herself facing a short hallway, with a very large set of double doors at the end. 

“This must be it,” she said to herself.

She swallowed as she opened them, and her mouth fell agape as she looked inside at a very familiar figure, sitting asleep in the armchair.

“Emet-Selch?” she asked, breathlessly.

The figure’s eyes immediately snapped open, and he blinked as he regarded her.

“Ah. Not quite,” he said, stretching, “Ohh, dear. I feel as if I’ve been asleep for eons.”

He rose to his feet.

“I am not _the_ Emet-Selch, but rather, a shade he created to serve you. Most especially, in the event that… he died. And I assume he has?”

Beetle nodded, carefully.

“And by your own hand?”

“…Yes.”

He sighed audibly.

“Well. I can’t truly say I’m surprised,” he said, “I guess everybody really does die.”

Beetle relaxed, if only incrementally.

“You… are not angry?”

He shrugged.

“I was not created to be angry with his demise. I was created to answer any questions you might have had.”

He gave her a glance, a brow raised.

“And you do have questions, don’t you?”

She swallowed.

“Yes. I do.”

His smile widened, and he motioned to the chair in front of him.

“I’d rather stand, thank you,” she said.

“Suit yourself,” he said, shrugging.

She looked all around the room. It was rather sparse, yet homey. Dark walls and gilded curtains, dark carpeting and marbled surfaces… and an incredibly large, sumptuous bed. Everything was incredibly large, but the bed even moreso.

“Do you like it?” the shade asked, “He made it for you, you know.”

“It’s… not what I’d have chosen, if I’m honest,” she said, with a laugh, “But it does seem very comfortable. Almost too much so.”

“I am glad you think so,” he said, “I know he certainly would be.”

She nodded, then a moment of silence passed between them. It didn’t seem to bother him; he regarded her patiently, not uttering a single sound.

Her next words fell quietly from her lips.

“What was my name?”

The shade’s eyes looked away from hers, and he sighed a single, soft breath.

“That, I cannot say. That knowledge… was not imparted to me. Not exactly. I am not made to remember it until you tell it to me. He… wanted you to remember it on your own.”

Had any other noise been present, she would not have heard him, so quietly did he speak. 

“Tch. He would, wouldn’t he?” she scoffed, “Bastard.”

A very small smile crept up on his mouth.

“Hah, I suppose I deserve that. After all I’ve done.”

Her eyes bored daggers into him.

“Are you honestly trying to make me think you ever cared?” she snapped, “You called us nothing. Husks. Don’t dare patronize me now.”

His eyes would not meet her, and he swallowed.

“…The tempered Hades said that. I… I carry his true feelings, untempered,” he muttered, “I _do_ care, Beetle. I wish none of it had ever happened. Most fervently. But no amount of fervor can overcome tempering. None. Please believe that.”

His eyes shone with tears, though none fell. The image was admittedly moving, and it put her more at ease. She slowly walked closer and sat upon the bed. 

“Tell you the truth… I’m not sure what to believe.”

They said nothing, as she ran her hands along the silken bedding. Something about the way it looked - black with gilded vines of shining gold all throughout, swirling endlessly and all about - and especially felt - cool and silky, caressing her skin with a lovely softness - was tremendously familiar. Not like a memory… but the recollection of a dream. Those kind that are intimate and deep that they almost seem like a memory, but you know better. Or do you? Did _she?_

“You are free to stay here if you like, you know,” the shade said, “free to come and go as you please. For as long and as much as you like.”

Beetle nodded, tracing the vines with her fingers.

“Emet… Hades,” she said, the name feeling oddly warm on her tongue.

“Yes?”

“…What… what were we? In the… beginning?”

Another heavy, defeated sigh.

“If you truly do not know,” he said, “Then I cannot tell you.”

Beetle looked down, nodding.

“I see. Then… I am wasting my time here,” she said.

She stirred from the bed, ready to leave, when the shade grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her close. 

“Hades–!” she gasped, as he put his lips to hers, in a firm, brief kiss. She stiffened beneath his touch, softening only slightly when she realized he did not intend to take it further.

“Did that jog your memory?” he said.

“…I am with another,” she said, pulling away from him.

“Ahh, forgive me, then,” he said, with a small smirk, “The Elezen, I assume?”

“Urianger, yes,” she replied.

“I figured as much. Anyone… could see how mad he was for you,” he said, with a small laugh, “Especially Hades. But, again, I ask you… has anything been stirred within you? Do you remember anything now?”

Beetle stared at him, swallowing.

“No,” she said, “I’m sorry.”

The shade looked down solemnly, a weak smile on his face.

“I see,” he said, quite sadly, “I see.”

“I… I really should be going now,” she said, “I… I do thank you for having me.”

She tried not to think about the slip of silken glove that weakly caressed her as she slid out of his grip, and tried even more to push away how his eyes lingered on her as she walked away.

She turned her head back over her shoulder as she opened the door.

“Goodbye… Hades,” she said.

“Yes, goodbye,” he said, softer than she thought his voice capable of, watching her leave.

She stood with her back against the door, and closed her eyes, shaking her head.

Stupid, stupid waste of time. What was she even looking for?

She huffed and walked away, making her way to the lift. She entered it, and waited to be taken downwards.

Suddenly, a voice from the darkness.

_You lied to him._

“Quiet, you,” she whispered.

_You know why, too._

“Fray…”

_You felt something when he kissed you. You remember something… I see it in your soul. _

“I’m warning you,” she hissed.

_You don’t know what it is, but you remember it. Not clearly, not like a memory… but a dream. And now you’ve woken up, and you’re scrambling to put the pieces back together before they fade away._

“I…” she admitted, finally breaking down, “I don’t want to try to remember anymore. I’m scared… I’m scared it will all be true. I’m scared we’ll have been lovers… and I’ll have to mourn for someone all over again. I’m scared I’ll be tempted to run away here, and live my life with that shade, all the while I go mad with grief that it isn’t really him… and even madder with guilt for abandoning Urianger… Oh, Fray. What do we do?”

_We tell him. Urianger loves us; he will understand._

“Hmph. That’s a surprisingly sound piece of advice from you.”

_It was **your **idea, dearest Beetle._

She laughed to herself as the lift doors opened.

“Right.”

She left the undersea city, giving it a final, wistful look as she teleported away, back to Il Mheg.

Urianger greeted her tentatively upon her return to his home, noting her somber expression.

“Beetle? Art thou well?” he asked.

Instantly, her eyes welled up with tears. He knelt and took her into his arms right away, holding her to him.

“Pray, tell me all that hath transpired,” he said, softly.

She opened her mouth, but another voice spoke.

“Yes. Tell us what you were doing,” Thancred suddenly spoke into the air, leaning against the doorframe, “In Amaurot. Won’t you?”

His face was stern.

Beetle nodded at him.

“You followed me.” 

“Only to ensure your safety,” he said, “I didn’t want another repeat of what happened in the Coerthan mountains.”

“Well, that is fair, I suppose,” she said somberly.

Thancred pulled up a chair.

“But I’m glad you’re safe,” he said, “Now, tell us, what’s wrong?”

Beetle looked down at her feet.

“To be honest… I’m not sure you’d understand,” she said, “…either of you.”

The two shared a look.

“Prithee, confide in us. We shalt not make hasty judgements,” Urianger reassured softly.

Beetle sighed, pulling up another chair. 

“I… you remember, when I investigated Akadaemia Anyder for the Ondo?” she began.

They both nodded, listening intently.

“Well, I was told by the man at the front desk there, that Emet-Selch had apparently procured an apartment for me in the residential buildings. And well… I went there today. Just… for some answers.”

Thancred narrowed his eyes.

“Answers to what?”

Beetle sighed.

“I… I wanted to know… who I was, when I was… when I was Rejoined.”

The two shared a look.

“Because I-I keep getting these odd… I don’t know, dreams? Memories? Of things I can’t rightly describe, but I know they’re connected to Amaurot. To… to him. To Hades.”

They seemed to recoil at the name, but they allowed her to continue.

“And, when I got there, in that room… he was there,” she said, “Not-not _truly_ there, it was only a shade. He even knew he was a shade. And I… well, I spoke to him.”

Urianger tilted his head.

“And what sayeth he?”

“Well… not much, really,” she said, “Hades had not allowed him to tell me things… certain things that… he wanted me to figure out on my own. Remember on my own.”

“Like what?” Thancred said.

“Like… my name… what my name was when I was Rejoined,” she said, noting their perplexed glances, “You-you don’t understand, I feel it, here–”

She pointed into the center of her chest.

“I feel something in there, something begging to be known, I hear it in my dreams, I feel it on the tip of my tongue– but I just don’t remember.”

“And it, it–” she sighed, the tears coming back, “It had been driving me mad. I needed to know. I needed to know. But he couldn’t tell me, and now I have to just… deal with that, I suppose.”

Urianger rose to take her into his arms, but she put up a hand.

“There’s… there’s more,” she said, attempting to compose herself, “I… I also asked him… what the nature of our relationship was… when I was… you know, back then… and he also couldn’t tell me that.”

“But then he– he pulled me to him before I could react, and he, well, he kissed me.”

Urianger shook, once, hard, as if a jolt flew through his body. Thancred’s brows rose high, his eyes wide.

“Then he asked me if that made me remember anything, and I told him no, but–”

“But it did?” Urianger replied, his voice thick with pain.

“No, no, it wasn’t like that, Urianger, I swear,” she said, “It didn’t actually make me remember any clear, distinct memories… but it made me _feel_ like I could remember something… Oh gods, it doesn’t even make sense to _me_. But I… I just don’t know.”

Thancred’s face twisted with concern.

“You kissed another man? Beetle, how could you?”

Beetle glared at him.

“He kissed _me!_ I didn’t even have any time to stop him!” she snapped.

“I suppose,” he said, “But this still doesn’t change the fact that you’re not acting like yourself. All of this_ obsessing_ over nothing you’ve been doing for the past moon.”

“Nothing? Nothing?!” she suddenly shouted, standing up on her chair, “You’re not the one plagued with memories that aren’t yours! Do you even know what that’s like, Thancred? Or are you too deep in your cups to even see what the hells’ going on around you?”

Urianger opened his mouth to interject, but Thancred stood up to stare her down.

“_Beetle! _Gods, I don’t even recognize you anymore,” he said, in a disgusted tone.

Her tears flew from her now-reddened face.

“And I feel like I haven’t known you since you disappeared into that damned forest!” she screamed, “I haven’t been comfortable around you in almost four damn years! All because you won’t accept what happened to Minfilia!”

Thancred’s eyes grew wide with rage.

“You have _no right_ to tell me how to grieve. I’m not the one who pissed off to the mountains to go freeze to death.”

Beetle’s eyes suddenly glowed red, and shadows enveloped her, forming into a figure before her.

“Piss _off_, Thancred,” Fray spoke, his teeth bared, “You have no idea what our love’s passing did to us. What your disappearance did to us!”

“Oh, so you’ve brought out your little alter ego to come play,” Thancred said.

Fray’s fist tightened as Beetle began to angrily sob.

“You little shite,” he spat, “We were lost without Haurchefant. Without you!” 

Urianger stood aback, unable to get a single word in. 

“We cried our life away over the both of you,” he continued, “We fantasized our own demise in countless ways, wished we had never been _born_… and then you came back, and you shut us out! We needed you! Godsdammit, Thancred, we needed you!”

He suddenly pointed to Urianger.

“You know who was there? Urianger was there,” he said, “And oh, bless him, he comforted us even as he harbored a love for us - a painful, secret love!”

Beetle was now slumped into her chair, face in her hands as she cried.

“And what were _you_ doing? Pissing off to gods knows where, once again face down in your ale,” he said, “Meanwhile we all had to keep going. Keep moving. Accept what we had lost. But you? Oh no, you outright refused to accept any help offered.“

“And now, _we_ need _your_ help more than ever, need our _best friend_ more than ever, and again you choose to shut us out because you think you’re the only one allowed to grieve. You’ve changed, Thancred, grown so much, indeed, but it isn’t _all_ for the better.”

_"Enough!”_ Urianger suddenly bellowed, and Fray instantly dispersed, “Beetle, my beloved, art thou well?”

She weakly nodded.

“Yes,” she said, “But I meant every word. You’re not there for me when I need you, Thancred, and you haven’t been for a long time.”

“I sure was there when you needed your arse saved,” he growled under his breath, grimacing.

“_Enough,_ both of thee!” Urianger shouted once more, “Thancred, thou art not listening. Tis clear something beyond our grasp is happening within Beetle, and I find myself utterly disappointed in thy lack of understanding. Beetle hath the right of it; thou hath changed. She is thy dearest friend and she loves thee. Even so, she hath every right to feel whatever she doth feel.“

He sighed.

“In truth, there is a severe lack of trust and understanding between thee both,” he said, his eyes darting between them, “Thou must needs remedy it.”

Thancred sighed.

“Alright, alright,” he began, “Beetle, I’m—”

“I don’t want to hear ‘sorry’,” she suddenly said, hopping off her chair, _“I want my friend back.”_

She huffed out the door, heading outside.

“Wait, wait–!” Thancred said.

He sighed, and turned to Urianger.

“All those… all those things she said… Fray said… whatever… was it true? That she came to you for everything? Even though you loved her the whole time?”

Urianger nodded.

“Indeed,” he said, “She did come to the Waking Sands upon many an occasion, and with tears in her eyes, on more than a few. Much as it did pain me so, to hold her in mine arms, my heart burning with agony all the time, I knew I must needs comfort her in her time of need.”

Thancred sighed into his hand.

”…While I was gone,“ he said, running the hand through his hair, "Gods, what a mess. I just… I wish the two of us could go back to how it was before." 

Urianger gave a soft smile.

"I certainly do not,” he said, “What must needs occur is not a return to times past, but a reforging of future friendship.”

Thancred nodded.

“Yeah,” he said, turning on his heel to leave, “I know.”

“Wait,” Urianger said, “Allow me to go to her first. There are words I wouldst have with her.”

He walked out to find Beetle, looking around until he heard a soft splash.

Beetle was chucking stones across Handmirror Lake, only a few of them actually skipping on the water. 

He approached her, then hesitated. She sensed his presence, and stopped.

“What?” she weakly spat, clearly mistaking him for Thancred.

“Beetle,” he began, and she sighed heavily at the realization.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I-I thought…”

“Be at ease, beloved. I come simply to–,” he said, cutting off when he looked at her face.

He was always taken aback at the sight of her tear-stricken eyes. It was so heart wrenching, and worse still was how honestly beautiful he found it; the red creeping in the whites made the irises so brilliantly green, impossibly so, so much that the sight could only be breathlessly admired despite how utterly painful it was.

“Ohh, my love,” he said, suddenly bending to his knees before her, and she rushed into his arms.

She cried weak, tearless sobs into his chest, and he held her tightly to him, burying his face in her shoulder.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to kiss him, I swear,” she said, and he pulled her head away from him.

“Beetle,” he said, looking into her eyes, “Enough. There is no need for apology. As I hath said many times before, I know where thy heart lieth.”

Beetle shook and gave a pitiful laugh.

“But I still feel so awful about it,” she said, “And worse still for how it truly did seem to stir something within me… Oh, Urianger. I just don’t know what to do.”

“Nothing, nothing, my love. Simply be. I know thou doth carry an immeasurable burden, but rest assured… thou needs not carry it alone. I am here. _We_ art here.”

“Yes. We are here,” another voice spoke up, “And we’re not going anywhere. Not this time.”

Beetle pulled away from Urianger to address the voice. Thancred.

He took in a breath, hesitating before speaking his next words. He knew she didn’t want to hear ‘sorry’. So, he said the next best thing.

“You’re… you’re right, Beetle,” he said, “I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. And I never allowed you to be there when I needed you. I—”

He swallowed the lump in his throat.

“I made a right and proper mess of things,” he said, “And that’s… that’s not what you deserve. That’s not what we deserve.“

Beetle sighed.

"Well. Ascians, dragons, and getting sucked into another world can’t keep us apart… so I doubt antics shall either,” she replied.

Thancred smiled, weakly, his lip quivering.

“I…" 

His face contorted, and he blinked rapidly as he fought back tears. Beetle approached him and extended a hand to him, and he quickly came undone.

He knelt down and grabbed her in an embrace, burying his nose in her hair.

"I’m sorry,” he sobbed, “I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s alright,” Beetle said, squeezing him tight, “We’ve both been… less than ideal friends.”

Thancred continued to shake and cry as Beetle placed a gentle hand on his face. He held her snugly to him, as if to try to make her feel all the comfort he had not given her before in this one single moment. Or perhaps vice versa.

“I’ve just been… I’ve been hurting for so long… I don’t know what it is to be anything else,” he began, “I didn’t want your help because it just… it was too hard. It was too hard… to admit I needed help, to admit that I was in denial of what was plain before my eyes.”

He took in a rattled breath.

“But I promise, I will be better,” he said, as they parted momentarily.

Beetle smiled.

“We both will be." 


End file.
